Are you ready to fail with Twitter? Here are some guaranteed ways to trash your reputation. This isn't a walk-through, pick any of the methods below, and you have my personal assurance that your company will be annoying people and loosing sales in no time!

Automated responses with sales pitches

Always try to sell, especially at first sight! Everyone that follows you on Twitter does so because they want to buy your products, even if they aren’t quite sure what you’re selling. Set up a bot that replies back to your followers with a line like “Are you looking for an affordable car insurance? I’m sure you are! Check out http://yoursitehere.com. Thanks for following!” It works, trust me!

Absurd claims

This is probably the easiest way of failing with Twitter. Open up your Twitter account (or favorite desktop client) and start writing about how you make $175,233.79 a month with your bulletproof method. Pay utmost attention to the figure: it has to be impressive (six digits is a good start, pros can go for seven) and shouldn’t be rounded, so that it looks as real as possible. Don’t write “$180,000”! $175,233.79 looks much more credible.

Retweet each and every line the “big fish” posted

If you sell cellular phones, follow Apple, Nokia, Motorola, Samsung and other players and re-post all their tweets. Simply add a “LOL”, “WOW” or “Nice” before the “RT:”. Repeat it for a while and Steve Jobs himself will call you up and offer you a groundbreaking deal on the new iPad 2. Professional retweeters might also get invited on an Oprah show, so keep up the work!

Follow as many people as you can

Don’t fall for all that hype that you need quality content, an authority site and a strong online presence to build up your Twitter followers base. That’s for newbies, you’re far beyond that! The only reasonable way you can get a million followers is by following ten million people, that’s how the pros do it! And who cares what their interests are? Even Donald Trump could benefit from your cool trick on how to get an extra hundred thousand visitors per day! Oh, and remember to unfollow and follow back everyone who hasn’t followed you – they must have missed the chance. Repeat this 20-30 times a day until they come to their senses. They will most likely apologize for not following you in the first place.

Set up many accounts and tweet about the same service

If they didn’t like it the first time, maybe they’ll fall for it once they hear the same line from more sources. It’s all about building credibility – if a lot of people say your service is great then it must be, right? When Twitter bans all your accounts, make sure you appeal and dispute their decision. Write on all webmaster forums about how Twitter messed up your business. No one likes bad publicity, they will re-instate you.

Any of the above tips can help you wreck your social media efforts, but if you combine two or more then your (lack of) success is guaranteed!